BOOK REVIEW: ‘Joy from Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend,’ by Dr. Carla Marie Manly
Some self-help books push readers to delve deeply into our troubled hearts and minds and do the work even if it brings up a slew of bad memories or makes us uncomfortable. Not so with Dr. Carla Marie Manly’s book, Joy from Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend. Well written and thought-provoking, Dr. Manly’s book takes a soothing, compassionate and gentle approach. But it looks to be highly effective. Its core principle is so clarifying that it doesn’t need to be framed as any kind of emergency: fear is not always our enemy, and sometimes, it’s our friend. According to Dr. Manly, we need to face our fears, investigate them, and recognize both their destructive side and their constructive side. Some fears are trying to help us, not hinder us. In those fears are the seeds for tremendous personal growth and joy.
To that end, taking a gradual and gentle approach will be far more effective than a more aggressive one. Readers will want to settle into a cozy corner and make the time to follow Dr. Manly’s lead. A practicing therapist who has worked with countless patients, the methodology in her book is based on the wisdom of experience as well as her own extensive research in the transformative power of fear. “I want you to throw away your preconceived notions of fear,” she writes in her introduction and launches into an engaging discussion of how and why we let fear take hold of our lives, why we don’t have to, and how to make the shift.
At its worst, fear keeps us stucks in jobs we can barely stand, prevents us from reaching for connections with people we wish we knew better, stops us from taking that trip and pulls us back from following our dreams. But fear’s constructive side has much to teach us. Instead of heeding fear’s admonishment that, for instance, we’ll never find a better job, we need to learn to listen differently. We can tune into the side of fear that puts it differently — that guides us to look for a more fulfilling career because it’s what we deserve. Fears can remind us of our own possibilities if we can feel safe enough to listen. And in those possibilities may lie the freedom and happiness we’ve been yearning for.
Readers are encouraged to do the work Dr. Manly outlines with joy — as a form of healing self-exploration, generating new insights into the past and a refreshing sense of optimism for the future. Helpful exercises set us on the journey, showing us how to look at how fear works in our lives and learn to detach from our own judgments. The work (though it probably won’t feel like work) also includes keeping a journal for thoughts and feelings, taking note of discoveries, asking questions, and setting up goals. But above all, Dr. Manly notes, no one should be taking steps before it feels right. We should always check in with ourselves and make sure we feel safe — psychologically, emotionally, and physically. Inner work needs a secure and calm setting, and readers are encouraged to take all the time and make all the space they need.
Detaching from fear’s destructive side can feel unsettling, the author cautions, as we’re so used to following those patterns back into the dark. She writes compellingly about destructive fear’s toll on intimacy, putting up walls in relationships, scarring families. She shows how a legacy of fear can connect the generations, and offers plenty of guidance on how to dismantle and free ourselves from the trap of the negative thoughts and fearful memories set in childhood. The overlying message is that fear is powerful and can affect everything: health, sleep, habits, productivity, self-esteem. In its destructive form, fear teaches us to mistrust others, mistrust the world, and worst of all, mistrust ourselves. But it doesn’t have to. With this book, readers learn how to defuse the negative power of destructive fear and listen to the positive messages, instead, in constructive fear — so there’s no reason to be afraid of fear anymore.
For more about Dr. Carla Marie Manly, visit www.drcarlamanly.com.
